In the field by a dear friends house, as the sun had set, a new day…
“Snowshoes on, we walk over hard pack till we feel the blanket thicken and soften, as we wade, through the cold surf, where nature laps against the open space, our feet sinking, till we walk on water”
The car stopped, engine off, we climb from heated leather seats into the cool mountain air. A sense of peace, and the anticipation of adventure, are held softly by the white silence.
Snow crunches underfoot as we prepare, toque and gloves warm. Scanning the edges of the flat man made island in a sea of trees dressed in winters coat, like icing sugar, light on the pastry we enjoyed for breakfast, but much sweeter.
Snowshoes on, we walk over hard pack till we feel the blanket thicken and soften, as we wade, through the cold surf, where nature laps against the open space, our feet sinking, till we walk on water. This place, this place, holds my heart gently, brushing up against the sides of my soul and for a moment, blend. This place, this nature, this one, seem to step away and have a conversation like dear friends with too much time between them.
A walk through white woods never travelled, but deeply familiar, of belonging, of knowing, seeing a small glimpse into the mystery, but somehow, without effort, deeply understood.
The latte tastes rich, hot over tongue and beyond. Warming my insides and letting the feeling grow. The foam is light and was adorned with a leaf, which looked great till my spoon dumped a teaspoon of sugar onto it taking it to the bottom of the cup. I sipped gently, listening to the chatter around me and the jazz playing over the speakers.
I wait in anticipation. A few more sips, cooling as I go.
Finally I savour the last of it and I’m saddened to discover that the leaf is not where I hoped it to be.
The lightning burst from the grey overcast sky lighting up pure darkness. The air, forced out in every direction leaving only, the suffocating vacuum. I wait for deafening thunder, but it doesn’t come, only silence – GW
Thats the best way I can describe it. I had a series of events that happened and without going into detail, everything I held as dear and familiar, was blown away from me in all directions. I am waiting for them to return. Nature, Music, Photography, Spirituality, my Personal Relationships and much more. My MLC had hit it’s highest point. The pain was incredible. I oddly found that the things I took my greatest joy from had become to painful to take in. I couldn’t listen to music, pick up the guitar, take a picture, or look at nature or even my home the same way. My vacuum was suffocating. I didn’t understand what was happening or what had happened. I felt completely lost. The catalyst was not gentle, the transformation violent.
Many months have passed now. Lots of reading, lots of talking. The sharp edges of life have started to be worn down and some of the things that were blown away in the storm are starting to return. It was in these months of self examination and introspection that I came to understand that creativity is my heart and my soul, and I had neglected my true creative energy for a very long time. I hadn’t picked up a paintbrush in 28yrs. Sketched something for pure pleasure like I used to. Simply, let go. It’s very hard to do. It’s vulnerable. It’s laying your soul on the line, and letting others see it. Am I good? Bad? Does it matter? Shouldn’t I just do it for me? Do I need to please other people I have never met? Validation? What is it?
I would love to know what you think. What holds us back from becoming who we are? Tell me…
So I took the plunge last night and pulled out my paints and brushes and underpainting and started to lay in the first color pass. Like I said I haven’t painted in 28 years and I was a bit surprised at how natural it felt. I was really nervous to start. Yo Yo Ma played over the stereo (thought a little classical music would help) as I laid out the paint on the pallet. The trees were first, then the sky, then the mountains. and finally the foreground elements. It’s not even close to being done as you can tell but I like the general feel of it.I just wanted to get some color down to see how it would come together. Lighter clouds in the notch of the mountain, define the trees more and richly develop the foreground. I think I’ll bring the mountain down a bit so it’s peak cuts behind the tree rather than ride over it. The apprehension I was feeling has dropped away and I am excited to start the second round of this… my first painting in a very long time.
Well, with great trepidation, I pulled out the paints and created a wash to do my first under painting in a very long time. At first, the new paints didn’t react the way I remember. Water based oils. I know, sounds bizarre but they work well. I used a different method to thin the paint and got to work. Here is what I ended up with…
Now I just have to get to work and start the process of applying paint and hopefully end up with something reasonable. Since I used to paint a lot, I am surprised at the amount of fear I have. My expectations are obviously way to high.