“My creative world suffered. I pretty much gave up on my chosen career – photography, to sit in a cafe in stunned silence for a very long time trying to make sense of it all.”
I’ve been struggling lately in many different ways. And this is reflected in my blog. What started out as an outlet for my creativity, overtime took on my attempts to grasp meaning in a world that started too make little sense to me. I understood so many posts ago that the blog was going to mean something more than just words and pretty pictures. Something else was driving this. Something I couldn’t grasp. All I knew was I needed to do this. But my first attempts fell short of what it asked for. I was posting little bits and pieces of myself never fully giving of the whole.
What was I so damned afraid of?
Each little bit of myself that I picked up and put out for anyone to see was like removing stones from a large pile. One by one, until I could sense something under all the weight. Something dark, and something light. Warm and yet cold. And very powerful. It scared the crap out of me.
What was below in the spaces and cracks and shadows started to move. I began to realize that I lacked the focused attention needed to free what was there. And in many ways I questioned freeing it at all. I was very depressed, going through an upheaval that started back when I was in my mid forties and coming to a full on crisis by my fiftieth year. My creative world suffered. I pretty much gave up on my chosen career – photography, to sit in a cafe in stunned silence for a very long time trying to make sense of it all.
What you have seen here are attempts to breath life back into myself. To “see” again. In reality, this is a blog about severe depression, and a gut wrenching mid-life crisis. Too much time has passed that I don’t know which came first, and well, it doesn’t really matter anyway.
So in essence, those of you who followed me for my creative endeavours, I hope you stick around. And for those who do, you may gain some insight into the mind of an artist who will continue to struggle greatly. Watching my failures and successes, my struggles and triumphs. Mid life made me re-examine almost every decision I had ever made. Depression took away my hope and my sight. In the empty space that was left, there remained one thing. My inner passion to create.
I know I am not alone in this. We all have our demons. Connection and Creativity and the energy they give, will be what saves me. Fear and isolation has the ability to defeat me. I hope by bringing some clarity into my world through a more open examination and dialogue, will help clear away the fog that I take too much comfort in.