So… Really…Why…Mid Life Crisis Meets Creativity – Part 3

The lightning burst from the grey overcast sky lighting up pure darkness. The air, forced out in every direction leaving only, the suffocating vacuum. I wait for deafening thunder, but it doesn’t come, only silence – GW

Thats the best way I can describe it. I had a series of events that happened and without going into detail, everything I held as dear and familiar, was blown away from me in all directions. I am waiting for them to return. Nature, Music, Photography, Spirituality, my Personal Relationships and much more. My MLC had hit it’s highest point. The pain was incredible. I oddly found that the things I took my greatest joy from had become to painful to take in. I couldn’t listen to music, pick up the guitar, take a picture, or look at nature or even my home the same way. My vacuum was suffocating. I didn’t understand what was happening or what had happened. I felt completely lost. The catalyst was not gentle, the transformation violent.

Many months have passed now. Lots of reading, lots of talking. The sharp edges of life have started to be worn down and some of the things that were blown away in the storm are starting to return.  It was in these months of self examination and introspection that I came to understand that creativity is my heart and my soul, and I had neglected my true creative energy for a very long time. I hadn’t picked up a paintbrush in 28yrs. Sketched something for pure pleasure like I used to. Simply, let go. It’s very hard to do. It’s vulnerable. It’s laying your soul on the line, and letting others see it. Am I good? Bad? Does it matter? Shouldn’t I just do it for me? Do I need to please other people I have never met? Validation? What is it?

I would love to know what you think. What holds us back from becoming who we are? Tell me…

6 comments on “So… Really…Why…Mid Life Crisis Meets Creativity – Part 3

  1. Robyn Lee says:

    This series was extremely introspective and I applaud you for sharing so openly something I think the majority of us experience at that turning point in our lives…. I believe you need to be “awake” to even acknowledge the dilemma you so eloquently describe, and being awake is the first step in moving forward.

    What holds us back? I think from the earliest stages of our lives we are “programmed” by so many external forces… many well-intentioned. Society, Education, Parental, Religious, etc. etc. Then we tell ourselves a story of the way it is “supposed” to be.

    We stop following our heart and get very much lost in the hallways of our head. Then the passion that lives in all of us ~ just goes dormant – goes to sleep somehow as we get through the days, go through the motions… and try to be/seem happy.

    Well… can go on and on ~ but the point is, many like you have – wake up! And don’t want to go back to sleep — and find ways to rekindle the small flame that still burns… and can be ignited in a big way! It’s a pretty magnificent thing when this happens. Some of us have all kinds of challenges by this time… ph, emotional etc. … I Still I believe we can rebuild the fire… anytime we make the choice – and are willing to face ourselves…

    Best to you ~ and thanks for listening to my philosophical rampage this evening. 🙂
    Robyn

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    • I love your philosophical rant as you call it. Every morning I go for coffee and sit with my journal and write out what life brings. I have been trying to make sense of this awakening, as it throws so much of what I have believed into doubt. I have been exploring this idea of “programming” and call it our Garden. Some planted by our parents, friends and family and life events. Our memories and beliefs. A place to sit. But at some point, we awaken to find in ourselves, a part of us, that has been patiently waiting for us to understand what it has known all along. That we are not our beliefs, or our story, our emotions or pain. We are much deeper than that. We are the witness to all that we have experienced and not the experience. We are capable of so much once we are, as you put it, willing to face ourselves.

      I’m reading a book right now which I was going to post called “The Untethered Soul”~ by Michael Singer which talks about this. Wonderful.

      I too could go on and on but will leave it there.
      Take care Robyn
      Grant

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  2. Robyn Lee says:

    Thanks so much Grant ~ for validating some of my “rant” here. I like your metaphor of the “Garden”…. so true — all the seeds that are planted by the multitude of influential forces in our lives. It happens slowly and without our real awareness and somehow distorts the true essence of who we really are at the core. I guess that is when this mid-life crisis thing occurs – when we look in the mirror one day and get a glimpse of the deepest layers of self, wondering where he/she had been all these years. 🙂

    Ok ~ have downloaded Singer’s book ~ looks great … and will read. I am always fascinated by study of the ‘human condition’ ~ was my masters’ work in graduate school too… Jungian theory was especially enlightening. If you are interested, another good read (from the male perspective) is Sam Keen’s “Fire In The Belly”.

    Again ~ a pleasure to meet you here, and have enjoyed visiting your diverse and lovely blog.
    Best Always ~ Robyn

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    • Thanks Robyn…
      Not a copy to be found in this city of a million people. Not on Audible.com either. Digital copy it is!

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      • Robyn Lee says:

        ooo – I actually downloaded it (unabridged) on Audible.com! I must have gotten lucky?? ~ taking it with me on my trip tomorrow — will be away for a bit (latest post) but hope to stay connected to my blogsphere family ~ will let you know when I get through the book! Can listen on plane etc. ~ Best to you Grant! with Love ~ R

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